Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Round, Round, Round

I feel like I'm at my biggest right now. Like I'm going to pop! It's not like I'm round because of beer, or junk food. But because I'm the life source of another life for 25 more days. It's a pretty incredible experience; having a child grow inside of you, one who lives with you for hopefully 40 weeks. Now there are some downsides to pregnancy, of course. I will get to those. Trust me.

     During my bad days I look at my belly and think "can't she just come out of me already?" or it makes me think of the stuff I am going to miss out on. Her firsts. First tooth, first time sitting up, first time crawling, etc. But I can't dwell in that dark place. I have to think of the things I will get to witness. Which is a very hard thing to do. Because I feel like I'm not going to get to witness very much. Soon, very very soon; she will not be with me. She's with me now, but not for long.

     A mammal's instinct once a baby is born from her is to nurture and love. I can only do that for 48 hours. Can you imagine giving something life for 9 months and just giving them away? It's the most selfless thing I can do. But I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. This is my decision... To give my baby a better, safer, healthier life.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Any Day Now

Sorry I haven't written lately. Stuff is really busy lately with adoption stuff, photography sessions, and time to myself.

     I feel like I'm going to pop! I'm 36 weeks tomorrow and I have never felt so huge! Heartburn is incredibly painful lately. But they do say if you have heartburn during pregnancy than that means the baby has a lot of hair. I'm just imagining her coming out with an afro with how much heartburn I have, haha. I eat like none other but I guess that's normal. I feel like I'm a pig or something because I've never been at the weight that I am at. But that is good. The baby needs it.

      I just can't wait to see her! I think probably every 10 minutes "I could go into labor right now!" Hopefully she will cook a little longer(; I can't believe how soon she could come! It could be any day now. I just can't wait to give her parents the call of "I'm on my way to the hospital!" Its going to be a life changing call for them!

I just can't wait for this little miracle to come!

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Not Mommy

It's a hard thing to become pregnant and try your hardest not to get attached.

     I'm giving my baby up for adoption. Not everyone understands what goes through a birth mothers' mind. Thats what the purpose of this blog is for. From now on I will try my hardest to write something on this blog everyday, if not; At least once a week. Kind of like an open Journal.

     I'm currently 35 weeks and 2 days pregnant. So close to my due date May 12th, 2013.
I have an open adoption with an amazing LDS couple. I love to go camping, swimming, jet skiing, and I enjoy fun times with my family. I live in Utah. I love animals more than people (doesn't everyone?) I have a pug and a french bull dog and two cats. Something I would love to do one day is follow my dreams and become a midwife.

     Some people are more supportive than others, thats for sure. Kids my age don't really respect my decision to place my daughter for adoption because they don't understand my situation. Some people (even adults) are totally against adoption and that is totally fine. It is my decision because its best for me and my baby. Its hard because I'm so young so everyone stares at me when I walk past with my big ol' belly. That's ok. I would stare too. But when people tell you to your face that you're a horrible person for giving your baby to someone you don't know, it hurts. I am not giving my baby to someone I don't know. I know the adoptive parents very well.
Adoption isn't a "goodbye" it is a "see you soon" so I will see her. I will get pictures in the mail and visitations... But its still really hard because she will be calling someone else mommy and not me. I'm not mommy. I may be birth mommy but it still bites a little bit.

     People don't understand how hard this is. I try to put on a happy face every single day. And it's a really really difficult thing. It is hard to explain a feeling like giving your child away. I know that my mom wouldn't even let me leave the house when I was a newborn because she was afraid of me getting sick. So imagine giving your child to someone 48 hours after he/she is born. Can you imagine the strength and selflessness it would take to do that? It takes a lot... And I am not bragging or saying that I'm a better person than you are but I am one tough teenage girl. And there are many more like me.

I'll write again tonight. If not, tomorrow.