Not Mommy

It's a hard thing to become pregnant and try your hardest not to get attached.

     I'm giving my baby up for adoption. Not everyone understands what goes through a birth mothers' mind. Thats what the purpose of this blog is for. From now on I will try my hardest to write something on this blog everyday, if not; At least once a week. Kind of like an open Journal.

     I'm currently 35 weeks and 2 days pregnant. So close to my due date May 12th, 2013.
I have an open adoption with an amazing LDS couple. I love to go camping, swimming, jet skiing, and I enjoy fun times with my family. I live in Utah. I love animals more than people (doesn't everyone?) I have a pug and a french bull dog and two cats. Something I would love to do one day is follow my dreams and become a midwife.

     Some people are more supportive than others, thats for sure. Kids my age don't really respect my decision to place my daughter for adoption because they don't understand my situation. Some people (even adults) are totally against adoption and that is totally fine. It is my decision because its best for me and my baby. Its hard because I'm so young so everyone stares at me when I walk past with my big ol' belly. That's ok. I would stare too. But when people tell you to your face that you're a horrible person for giving your baby to someone you don't know, it hurts. I am not giving my baby to someone I don't know. I know the adoptive parents very well.
Adoption isn't a "goodbye" it is a "see you soon" so I will see her. I will get pictures in the mail and visitations... But its still really hard because she will be calling someone else mommy and not me. I'm not mommy. I may be birth mommy but it still bites a little bit.

     People don't understand how hard this is. I try to put on a happy face every single day. And it's a really really difficult thing. It is hard to explain a feeling like giving your child away. I know that my mom wouldn't even let me leave the house when I was a newborn because she was afraid of me getting sick. So imagine giving your child to someone 48 hours after he/she is born. Can you imagine the strength and selflessness it would take to do that? It takes a lot... And I am not bragging or saying that I'm a better person than you are but I am one tough teenage girl. And there are many more like me.

I'll write again tonight. If not, tomorrow.